Lately, God has been teaching me so much about my faith. I wanted to share a little of what He’s taught me.
First, I’ve heard it said that faith is not believing that God can do what you ask; it’s believing God will do what you ask. I disagree with this claim. When I found out I was pregnant with our second child in May, I immediately began praying for the health and safety of that child. I prayed that I would have a complication-free pregnancy and delivery and that in January, we would give birth to a precious healthy baby. I prayed for those things, and I believed they would happen. I never once doubted God would answer those prayers. However, a month later, we found out that our little Sweet Pea’s heart had stopped beating. Of course, this news was devastating, but my faith never wavered. I feel confident that if I believed that true faith was believing that God WOULD do what I asked, I would have had a crisis of belief. My faith would have probably wavered. However, I’m reminded of the great missionary Paul from the Bible. He had great faith, yet he admitted that 3 times he asked God to remove his “thorn in the flesh.” But each time, God refused; and His answer was, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Through this experience, God has taught me a new perspective on faith. I believe that faith is believing that God can do what you ask and that He may or may not do what you ask but that no matter what happens, He is still on His throne in control; and He will give you the grace to get through whatever happens.
God especially touched my heart with the song “You Are God Alone” by Phillips, Craig, and Dean. There is a line in the chorus that says, “And, right now, in the good times and bad, You are on Your throne. You are God alone.” I’ve heard and sung this song many, many times before; but when I heard it at the Women of Faith conference two months after a miscarried and less than a week after I found out I was pregnant again, it took on a whole new meaning. I had to believe that with this pregnancy, God was still on His throne. He is God alone! I can trust Him to give me strength and grace to get through whatever comes my way. We have no guarantees in this life. God never told us that this life would be easy. He promised us the exact opposite. Jesus said, “In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world.” I have no guarantees that this pregnancy will be successful or that this baby will survive (or that I’ll live to see tomorrow, for that matter), but I can rest in the knowledge that He is on His throne. He is in control. I don’t need to worry. I don’t need to fear. I can relax and let my “Daddy” handle it.
The second lesson I’ve learned through all of this is that God uses little, everyday circumstances to mold you and shape you and to prepare you for the “big” events in life. Of course, this makes sense, but I’d never really thought about my little daily trials and frustrations as important. However, they are like training sessions for life’s tragedies. Let me give you an example. When Landon was between the ages of 5 months and 9 months, he would only sleep for about 30 minutes at nap time. This was NOT a long enough nap! He would be cranky for the rest of the day, making for a long and frustrating day. It did not matter what I tried, he wouldn’t sleep any longer. There are many reasons why this may have been happening. He was teething for much of that time. He has a 30 minute sleep cycle and wakes up every 30 minutes; and he may not have been drowsy enough to drift back to sleep quickly after a 30 minute snooze. I think the reason for these frustratingly short naps, though, is because God wanted to teach me a lesson about prayer and faith. You see, every day, as I was putting Landon down for his nap, I would pray that God would help him to have a long, restorative nap. Yet, everyday, Landon would wake up after only 30 minutes. I know it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, and it really wasn’t. But, it was so hard at the time because I didn’t even have time to eat lunch and take a shower. I would scarf down my lunch and run to the shower. Then, I dreaded turning off the water because I knew that when I did, I would hear a screaming baby…everyday! I remember crying and ranting at God, “You created the universe! You created this baby! You know he needs his rest and I need a break! You could make him sleep longer, and I’m praying and believing that You will. BUT YOU DON’T!!! What’s the point of praying if You’re not going to answer anyway??? How can I trust You to keep him safe and healthy like I pray for every night when I can’t even trust You with this???” Harsh…I know. But, God knew my heart and knew that was how I was feeling; so why not be open and honest with Him? He can handle it. Anyway, not long after that, I was praying that God would help me to become the woman He wanted me to be. I pondered that for a while, what I thought that woman would be like. I envisioned someone who was always faithfully serving her family, always helping others, a leader in the church, and someone who handled difficult or devastating situations with grace and faith that brought glory to Him. As that last thought crossed my mind, God pierced my heart. I felt Him saying, “How will you ever become that woman (the kind who can battle cancer with unwavering faith or the death of a loved one with hope or a major disappointment with grace and strength) when you can’t handle these little daily trials I’m sending your way?” Wow! These words were not accusatory or condemning. They were whispered across my soul in a loving, authoritative, fatherly manner – like a loving father correcting his wayward child. In that moment, I realized that my daily life was the training ground for my future. I prayed for forgiveness and for strength to change. I still prayed that he would nap longer, and most of the time, he didn’t. It was still frustrating; but instead of ranting at God, I prayed that He would help me to glorify Him in the way I responded to the frustration. I saw each “unanswered” prayer as an opportunity to increase my faith that God knows better than I do, that He sees the big picture when I don’t, and that ALL things (good or bad) work together for the good of those who love Him (Rom. 8:28). I had no idea how I would need that faith just a few months later. When we miscarried, I did not have any bitter or angry moments. What a transformation had occurred in my heart! Just a few months earlier I was angry and bitter about unanswered prayers for longer naps. Now, I was dealing with unanswered prayers for the life of my baby; and I was not angry or bitter. As I mentioned in my first “lesson” above, I knew that God was in control and I could trust Him.
