Shining Like a Star…It's Working!!!

Today, Landon earned 4 stars. He's been doing great at not "arguing and complaining" or telling us "No" when we tell him to do something. Tonight, though, he really surprised me.

We've been reminding him about the stars every time he starts to tell us "No" when we tell him to do something. We'll tell him something like, "It's time to go inside and clean up for supper." When he starts to whine, we'll say, "Remember, you can shine like a star…" He usually perks up, smiles real big, and comes right with us. We, then, go straight to our star stickers and praise him for obeying what the Bible teaches…to do everything without complaining or arguing. Tonight was different, though.

We were brushing his teeth, getting ready for bed. He had already earned a star just moments before when he chose not to argue (with a gentle reminder) and to leave his toys to come brush his teeth. While I was brushing his teeth, he took the toothbrush away from me and said that he wanted to do it. I told him he could have a turn while I drained the bathtub and put away his bath toys; then it would be my turn again (he can't really brush them effectively yet). When it was my turn again, he started to protest. Then, before I said anything, his eyes got big and he said "Tarrr" (star) and handed me the toothbrush. Hallelujah! He gets it! I smiled and told him that yes, he was shining like a star and he could get a star sticker as soon as we were done brushing his teeth. I hugged him and told him how happy he was making God and Mommy because he was choosing to obey God's Word and shine like the Bible teaches.

I am so thankful that God laid this idea on my heart! It has been so refreshing to see Landon's attitude changing and his behavior improving. My prayer is that his heart is changing, too!

Don't get me wrong. He still says, "No." He still has fits. We still have to discipline him quite often. I often find myself in a situation and think, "Oh no! I'm not sure about the best way to handle this!" Sometimes, I do what I think is best, and it's a big flop! Sometimes, I try something, and it seems to work. Sometimes, I pray about it; and God seems to be saying, "Let's see what you come up with." Other times, I feel Him guiding me very specifically in how to handle the situation. It's a daily process. I'm learning so much along the way. I think God is using this process to teach me as much as He is to teach Landon. I pray that my heart will be as moldable as Landon's!

A little teacher tidbit…if you are interested in using this idea…older children who are not as impressed with stickers may need some extra motivation. If Landon were older, I might have the stickers on a chart and when he earned 10 stickers, he got a certain prize. Then, when he earned 20 stickers, he got another prize. Etc. Of course, don't loose sight of the fact that we are trying to motivate them obey out of their love for God and their desire to please Him. So, really focus on the fact that they are obeying God's Word and making Him happy. I like to tell Landon that he is making God smile because I fully believe that he is. I also don't just say, "You earned a star!" I tell him that he is shining like a star because he is obeying God's Word/obeying what the Bible teaches.

Discipline - Shining Like Stars

Last night, as I was working on a verse that I'm memorizing, God gave me another discipline idea. I'm working on Philippians 2:14-15, "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe." I've been working on this verse for two reasons: 1) I think it's a great reminder for me and 2) Landon hardly does anything without arguing (saying "No)! One thing that we do when disciplining him and explaining why his behavior is unacceptable is that we teach him scriptures that deal with a given behavior. So, I thought this verse would be a perfect one to use. One thing, though, that I want to be careful of is that we don't only use scripture when disciplining him. I don't want him to only associate scripture with discipline because it's so much more than that. It's encouraging and uplifting. It's God's love letter to us. It's inspirational. So, anyway, back to the idea God gave me…the verse says that when we do everything without complaining or arguing we shine like stars in the universe. I decided that any time Landon does what we ask of him without saying "No," we would give him a special star sticker. Then, when he fills up his star paper (or gets all the stars from the sticker sheet), we'll get him a special treat.

I was so excited about the idea that I couldn't wait to get started. This morning, after my doctor's appointment, I ran to Hobby Lobby to get some shiny new star stickers. I didn't tell Landon about them because I wanted to wait until we "caught him" doing the right thing so that he would truly understand why he was receiving the sticker. We didn't have to wait for long.

Landon was playing in his play room when Craig noticed he had a dirty diaper. When Craig told him it was time to go change his diaper, he hesitated for a moment; but he didn't argue or whine or say "No." (Let me just say that this completely caught me off guard because he seriously tells us "No" EVERY TIME we tell him to do something. I have just come to expect it. We don't accept it, but we expect it.) So, as soon as he started heading toward his room with Craig, I stopped him and told him how proud I was that he didn't tell Daddy "No." I seriously made a HUGE deal out of it. I told him that he had made God happy and Mommy and Daddy happy and that when he came back from getting his diaper changed, I was going to give him a very special prize. He was grinning from ear to ear. When he came back from getting his diaper changed, he was still smiling, and he said "Tuh-tull pize"/special prize. I brought him over and read Phil. 2:14-15 to him and explained to him that when he obeys Mommy and Daddy without arguing or saying "No" he is shining like a star. (He was only mildly patient during the explanation. He was ready for his "pize.") Then, I let him pick out a shiny star sticker. I had just planned to give him the sticker; but Daddy had the idea to make a chart or something we could stick it to so that we could keep it. We liked that idea better because we could keep the sticker and have a display to show others when they come over.

Landon helped me make the star paper to put the stickers on. He picked out the colors (he just picked the top two colors in the stack), and he helped me glue the large star on the paper. Then, we added his sticker. Not long after, we got to add another sticker to it! When we told him it was time to go get ready for his nap, he stood right up and came without a fuss. Daddy said, "I think he deserves another sticker for being so sweet." I absolutely agreed!

I'm sure we have not heard the last "No," but I am so encouraged by what we started today. I love that we are able to use scriptures for positive reinforcement and that Landon can be rewarded for making good choices instead of just being punished for making bad ones. Even more than that, I love that Landon is learning scriptures, how they relate to his life, and how to "shine like stars in the universe." Keep shining!

Here he is with his star sticker on his shirt. (It's hard to see because he's playing with it.)

Here he is with his star paper and his first star. He now has 2 stars!

Discipline - Picking Your Battles

As Landon gains more independence and begins to assert that independence, Craig and I are having to choose our battles more carefully now. The other day, God spoke so clearly to my heart on this issue that I felt I should record it.

Landon has been saying, "No" A LOT lately. He says it to everything! The other day, I'd been hearing it all day. "Landon, we need to go change your diaper." "Nnno…" "Landon, it's time to eat." "Nnnno…" I was so sick of that word! By the end of the day, I was just tired of dealing with it. I decided I was just going to ignore it and go on about what I was doing. If I told Landon it was time to change his diaper and he said, "No," I was just going to pick him up and take him in his room and change his diaper. As I was following through with this plan, I felt God telling me that I was allowing him to disrespect me (a sin). In allowing him to sin, I was teaching him that his behavior was acceptable. Now, mind you, I was not giving in to him. I was still changing his diaper, but I was not dealing with the disrespect. So, I prayed about the issue and tried to gain a little perspective.

Through my time with the Lord, I learned or was reminded of these things:

• My goal is not to have a well-behaved child who just does what he's supposed to. My goal is to raise a child who loves and serves the Lord. To do that, I have to focus on teaching and reaching his heart, not just focussing on his behavior. I cannot allow sin to go unnoticed or unpunished.
• I cannot give up on doing what is right just because I am weary; I must remain focussed on my harvest (a child who loves the Lord). "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Gal. 6:9)
• There are areas where I can pick my battles, but I must address any issues of the heart so that sin cannot take root and become a habit or a lifestyle for my child.

So, I now have a new outlook on picking my battles. I can pick my battles when Landon wants to dump his blocks out all over the floor (even though I do not like it). I can pick my battles when he runs around screaming like a wild man in the house (I especially do not like that). I canNOT pick my battles when Landon chooses to disobey something I've told him to do. I must deal with his disobedience. A very common statement in our home is, "Landon, you cannot tell Mommy and Daddy 'No' because that is not respectful and it does not honor Mommy and Daddy the way the Bible teaches. If you tell us 'No' again, you will have to go in time out." We do this multiple times a day (so often that sometimes when Landon is in time out for something else and I ask him why he's there, he'll say "Momma - no" meaning "I told Momma 'No.'") It gets redundant, but we are not growing wearing in doing good.

Discipline - Practicals

Here's what we're doing in our home right now for discipline:

• Natural consequences - These are consequences that vary from situation to situation. They require some creativity and some quick thinking sometimes, but I think they can be most effective at times. Some examples are:
  • If Landon throws his blocks, he gets his blocks taken away.
  • If Landon throws his food on the floor, he has to pick it up.
  • If he is not obeying while we play outside, we have to go inside.
• Time out - This is most effective when Landon just needs some time to decide to make the right choice or when he needs time to cool down. Here are our procedures:
  • Landon goes to his time out spot and has to tell us why he's in time out.
  • We tell him why his behavior is not acceptable (usually with a Bible verse) and what he could/should have done differently. - He'll have to tell us this as he gets older.
  • We leave him there for 2 minutes (1 minute per year of age). Sometimes, though, he has to stay there until he's ready to do whatever it is that we want him to do. For example, he kept protesting to supper (wouldn't even let us put him in his high chair) tonight, so we told him he had to sit there until he was ready to come to the table with us.
  • We return and again he tells us why he's there.
  • We again explain why his behavior was wrong and what he should have done differently.
  • We apologize to mom/dad or whomever was offended.
  • We pray and ask for God's forgiveness and for help to do better.
  • We give hugs and kisses.
• Spanking - I fought with myself long and hard on this one. Craig and I were both spanked as we were growing up, and we both turned out pretty well (I think ;). We have great relationships with our parents. We never doubted their love for us. We're not, nor have we ever been, violent. I think we turned out ok. We had always planned on spanking our children when necessary. That being said, I had a really hard time with it when it came to spanking my own child. It always felt harsh and unloving until I read Creative Correction and Don't Make Me Count to Three. (I highly recommend Creative Correction. It is a wonderful resource! Don't Make Me Count to Three gives some great tips on reaching children's hearts and on spanking, but it seems to advocate spanking as the best and only method of discipline, which I disagree.) With the help of these two books, I changed a few things in the way that I spanked, and it made all the difference. Here's how we do it:
  • We give a warning first. "If you do not stop ___, I am going to have to spank you." (If Landon is doing something that he knows is unacceptable - like pulling my hair when he gets angry - we do not give him a warning first. We skip straight to the next step.)
  • If the behavior continues, we tell him that we are going to spank him and have him tell us why. We also explain why his behavior was wrong and what he could have done differently. Then, we spank him. (This is different than how I was originally doing it. I was warning him first, but if the behavior continued, I would just spank him. I did not like how it always seemed to catch him off guard and how it seemed like a rash reaction on my part to his disobedience. I feel much better telling him that it's coming.)
  • I read in one of the books (can't remember which one), that you should tell them how many "licks" they are going to get before you start. So far, Landon only gets one.
  • Then, we again explain why he received the spanking, why his behavior was wrong, and what he could have done differently.
  • Landon has to apologize and pray for forgiveness and help to do better.
  • Hugs and kisses
  • PLEASE NOTE…we never spank him when we are angry, and neither of us is violent or given to abuse. As a matter of fact, Landon rarely even cries when he gets a spanking. It is very much a gentle, teaching/learning time for him. He is all hugs and kisses and smiles when it's over, and he always corrects his behavior afterwards.
  • Another note…I do not think spanking is the only method for discipline. I think it is one tool, but it is not always the best tool. It works well for a toddler who does not understand long term consequences like loosing privileges or having to do extra chores. I do not think it works on all children, and I do not think it is always a good option.
• Happy/Sad jar - We have not implemented this yet, but I plan to very soon. I am going to have a jar with a happy face and a jar with a sad face on it. Each will be half filled with cotton balls. When Landon does something that makes God (and others) happy, we will move a cotton ball from the sad jar to the happy jar. When he does something that makes God (and others) sad, we will move one from the happy jar to the sad jar. When the happy jar is filled up, we will have a special treat. I am hoping this will help him begin to understand that his actions affect other people and that God cares about our actions. (This idea was from Creative Correction.)
• Fruit of the Spirit Tree - This is another one that I have not implemented yet, but I plan to. I did this in my third grade classroom, and it was great. I think even Landon will understand it. I will have a paper tree and paper fruit cut-outs. When Landon exhibits one of the "Fruits of the Spirit" (Gal 5:22), he will get to put a piece of fruit on the tree. When the tree is all filled up, we'll get a special fruity treat…some fruit sorbet or smoothie or something.

My main concern and prayer in disciplining Landon is reaching his heart. Eventually, I want him to obey out of his love for God. Right now, he is obeying because he wants to avoid consequences or earn rewards. In order for us to reach his heart, Craig and I have to be diligent about seeking God's wisdom in how to handle each and every situation - what words to use when correcting him, how to have a firm but loving tone of voice and facial expressions, having patience when dealing with Landon's persistence, etc. The biggest thing we have to remember is that our handling of the situation should not just correct his behavior but it should lovingly point him to God.

Discipline - Getting to the Heart of the Matter

In our home, we are well on our way to what the parenting community calls "The Terrible Twos" …DUH! DUH! DUH!!!

In child development circles, this is considered a very good sign of development. It means that my child is learning that he is a separate person from his parents and can thus do different things than what they do or tell him to do. It also means that he is experimenting and learning about the world around him. He's learning independence. He's learning that he can make choices and that those choices have consequences.

In parenting circles, this is considered hell on earth. Ok, not really, but close.;) The early childhood major in me is happy that my child is right on target for his social and emotional development. The parent in me wants to sign my child up for behavioral therapy…or lock him up until he can learn to respond with something other than the word "No!"

Since embarking on this wonderful journey, Craig and I have prayed about and discussed extensively how we plan to discipline Landon. I've read Bible verses, Christian parenting/discipline books, online articles, etc. We're going in armed and dangerous. I decided that I should record what we're doing and how we're doing it. I plan to record what's working and what we add, subtract, or change from our plans as we go along. I'm doing this for a few reasons. 1) I want a reference for myself so that I can stay focused on our goals. 2) I want a reminder when we face this with Carson and any other future children we have. 3) I thought someone out there might be able to use something we're doing. 4) This blog's purpose is to record what God is teaching me, and right now, He's teaching me a lot about parenting!

So, the first lesson God has taught me is that disciplining His way is all about the heart. As parents, we tend to focus on the behavior. We correct our children and give them consequences to change their behavior. If the behavior changes, we feel that our discipline was successful. However, I believe that this is incorrect. Think about the Pharisees in Jesus' day. Their behavior was impeccable. They followed the law to the letter; yet their hearts were hard and bitter. If we are to discipline God's way - if we want our children to obey out of their love for the Lord not their desire to meet expectations or avoid consequences or earn rewards - we must seek to change their hearts, not just their behavior.

I am still learning how to do this. It's especially difficult with a toddler who does not understand everything I'm trying to teach him. There are some things that we are doing, though, that I think are on the right track. (Let me state for the record that some of you may disagree with me. There are some "experts" who disagree with me based on what I've read in their books. However, this is what I feel God is leading us to do, and this is what is working for our family right now.)

• We explain or have Landon explain what he did wrong when disciplining him. I'll ask him before I put him in time out or spank him or whatever why he's receiving that consequence.
• We explain or have Landon explain why what he did was wrong. I think it's important for Landon to understand that we have rules for a reason. I want him to know that he can't sit on the dog because it could hurt the dog. I want him to know that he can't tell me "No" when I tell him to do something because it is disrespectful, and God gave him parents to teach him right from wrong so that he will not get hurt.
• We tell Landon if something makes us sad. I do not agree with parents "guilting" their children into obeying. I do not play on Landon's emotions. I do, however, want him to understand that his behavior affects others. I want him to learn empathy. I explain to him that when he kicks me, it hurts me and it makes me sad.
• We tell Landon the right thing to do. I don't want Landon to just hear "no, don't, stop" all the time. I want him to know the correct way to behave. So, we tell him things like, "Don't sit on the dog. That hurts him and makes him sad. You can pet him and sit beside him."
• We use scripture when correcting Landon. The most common one we quote is "Children obey your parents" (Ephesians 6:1) and "Honor your father and mother that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." (Deut. 5:16)
• We have Landon apologize to the one he "sinned against" and pray for forgiveness and help to do better.

As he gets older, he will have to take more of a responsibility in explaining why what he did was wrong and what he could have done differently and who it hurt or could have hurt, etc. For now, we feel that it is our responsibility to teach it to him. I want to close with this verse and a little commentary on it from one of our pastors, Greg Kirksey.

2 Timothy 3:16 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." God's Word is useful for teaching (showing you the way to go), rebuking (letting you know when you've gone the wrong way), correcting (showing you how to get back on track), and training (showing you how to stay on track). Those should be our goals when training and disciplining our children…to show our children the way to go, let them know when they're going the wrong way, show them how to get back on track, and show them how to stay on track.

The High Calling

Lately, I have been overwhelmed and humbled by the high calling that is parenting! First, we are given the honor, privilege, and responsibility to care for these little creatures - to meet all their physical, emotional, social, and spiritual needs. Then, as if that isn't scary enough, we are given the challenge of bringing them up "in the training and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4) As Christians, it is our responsibility to represent God to our children. They will first learn about His love, grace, mercy, discipline - His character - from us. Wow! Who's feeling unworthy now? Ummm, ME!!!

Tonight, as I was reading God's word and praying and reflecting over my day, I became increasingly aware that I am unworthy and unqualified for this task. As an early childhood major and an experienced teacher, one of my strongest areas of "expertise" is classroom management/discipline. My classroom was like a well-oiled machine, with every student knowing what they were supposed to be doing and how to do it; and they did it well. Tonight, as I was reflecting over our dinner experience in which Landon was spanked twice and sent to time out twice (the second time for the remainder of the meal), I realized that I can discipline him on my own. I can teach him how to behave in my own power. I can raise him to be a good, well-behaved, respectful, well-mannered child - all with just my training and experience. HOWEVER, I CANNOT bring him up in the training and instruction of the Lord on my own. I do not have the power, the grace, the patience, the mercy, the love…to discipline him, correct him, and teach him all while pointing him towards our loving Heavenly Father.

In order for Landon to see God in me, I need God's help. I need His help with the everyday, mundane discipline issues we face. I need His patience when I'm faced with a toddler whose will seems stronger than iron. I need His grace when that same toddler has tried my patience all day and now just wants to play a few minutes longer in the bathtub. I need His mercy when, in spite of his best efforts, that little guy fall short of my expectations once again. I NEED GOD!

So, my prayer tonight was that God would empty me of me and fill me with Him. As I was praying, I felt God reminding me that in order for Him to fill me, I had to allow Him to do so. I need to give Him the opportunity to fill me by spending time with Him each day, not just a few minutes reading a quick devotional and saying a quick prayer, but an extended period of time. Time alone with just Him, my Bible, and my journal - where He can point out areas I need to change and teach me things I need to know and show me the love and grace and mercy that I need. Only then, can I extend these to Landon.

Parenting is, indeed, a very high calling. What a privilege and an awesome responsibility!