Some of you may be thinking, "That sounds like a great nature to have." In some ways, it is. I am usually quite successful in my endeavors. Whatever I set my mind to, I do and do it well. Because I avoid things that I'm not good at and excel in things I am good at, I excel in most everything I do.
However, God is gradually revealing to me the flaws in my nature. He's teaching me that this personality trait that I was born with or picked up somewhere along the way can become an idol and a sin if I don't give it over to Him daily!
For one thing, I am never satisfied with my efforts. When I was in school, Craig used to tease me about this. I'd turn in a paper and call him crying, certain that I'd fail. A few days later, I would call him, astounded and excited that not only had I not failed, but I had actually earned an A! It wasn't that I was humble and didn't want to say, "I'm gonna get an A." It wasn't that the paper was that difficult to write or the professor was that difficult to please. The problem was that I was that difficult to please. Had I been grading it, I would have given myself a failing grade. (Side-note: Don't worry. I'm not that hard on anyone else. I was never that hard on my students. I'm only that hard on myself.) Another example: I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom; but one of the reasons that I do not have a desire to go back to teaching, even when my children start school, is because I'm not sure I can be the kind of mom I want to be and be the kind of teacher I want to be. As a teacher, I rarely left the school before 6:00, and I spent most of my hours at home working on creative lesson ideas, grading papers, and drafting parent letters. Even after all that (usually a 12-14 hour work day), I still was not happy with what I produced. I wasn't the "perfect teacher" that I wanted to be. Knowing this about myself, I know that there is no way I can be the "perfect teacher" and be the "perfect mom" that I want to be. I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to go back to work and be the kind of employee and mom and wife and friend (and on and on) that I want to be...
Another truth that God has revealed to me about my perfectionism is that it closely favors a certain characteristic of Satan...the desire to be God. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW that I can never be perfect, but I EXPECT to be. My perfectionism is so intense that it's as if I think I can be God. Obviously, I know I can't be; and when I word it like that, I can honestly say, "I don't want that." However, my actions and my attitude toward myself and my performance very clearly send the message that "I want to be perfect, and I can be if I try hard enough. I won't be satisfied if I'm not." That's sinful!
Finally, I'm learning that the sin of pride piggybacks on the sin of perfectionism. A friend once asked me if my drive for perfection was to win the praise and approval of others. I can honestly say that no, it's not about others' approval. It's about my own. It's about living up to a standard that I set for myself. When I do manage to live up to that standard, I become quite prideful. I think, "I'm great at _______. I'm so smart. I could be successful at anything I wanted to do." Hmm...what's missing from those statements? God! My gifts and talents and any success I may achieve is only by the grace of God! My perfectionism tends to cloud my vision so that I only see my intense efforts to accomplish what I set out to do, and I do not see God's hand, guiding me through.
So, there's a little honesty for you. Let me say, quickly, that I do not think there is anything wrong with being driven and motivated. The Bible tells us that whatever we do, we should work at it with all our hearts as unto the Lord and not men. It's only sinful when it becomes all about you - what you can or can't do, when it's accompanied by self-exalting pride, or when your efforts are never enough.
Lord, thank you for creating me the way that You did and for allowing me to have the life experiences that have shaped me into the woman I am today. Help me to give my strengths to You so that You can use them more mightily than I ever imagined and to give my weaknesses to You so that You can be strong in me. Amen!
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Location:Perfectionism...the "Perfect" Sin
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