Discipline - Getting to the Heart of the Matter

In our home, we are well on our way to what the parenting community calls "The Terrible Twos" …DUH! DUH! DUH!!!

In child development circles, this is considered a very good sign of development. It means that my child is learning that he is a separate person from his parents and can thus do different things than what they do or tell him to do. It also means that he is experimenting and learning about the world around him. He's learning independence. He's learning that he can make choices and that those choices have consequences.

In parenting circles, this is considered hell on earth. Ok, not really, but close.;) The early childhood major in me is happy that my child is right on target for his social and emotional development. The parent in me wants to sign my child up for behavioral therapy…or lock him up until he can learn to respond with something other than the word "No!"

Since embarking on this wonderful journey, Craig and I have prayed about and discussed extensively how we plan to discipline Landon. I've read Bible verses, Christian parenting/discipline books, online articles, etc. We're going in armed and dangerous. I decided that I should record what we're doing and how we're doing it. I plan to record what's working and what we add, subtract, or change from our plans as we go along. I'm doing this for a few reasons. 1) I want a reference for myself so that I can stay focused on our goals. 2) I want a reminder when we face this with Carson and any other future children we have. 3) I thought someone out there might be able to use something we're doing. 4) This blog's purpose is to record what God is teaching me, and right now, He's teaching me a lot about parenting!

So, the first lesson God has taught me is that disciplining His way is all about the heart. As parents, we tend to focus on the behavior. We correct our children and give them consequences to change their behavior. If the behavior changes, we feel that our discipline was successful. However, I believe that this is incorrect. Think about the Pharisees in Jesus' day. Their behavior was impeccable. They followed the law to the letter; yet their hearts were hard and bitter. If we are to discipline God's way - if we want our children to obey out of their love for the Lord not their desire to meet expectations or avoid consequences or earn rewards - we must seek to change their hearts, not just their behavior.

I am still learning how to do this. It's especially difficult with a toddler who does not understand everything I'm trying to teach him. There are some things that we are doing, though, that I think are on the right track. (Let me state for the record that some of you may disagree with me. There are some "experts" who disagree with me based on what I've read in their books. However, this is what I feel God is leading us to do, and this is what is working for our family right now.)

• We explain or have Landon explain what he did wrong when disciplining him. I'll ask him before I put him in time out or spank him or whatever why he's receiving that consequence.
• We explain or have Landon explain why what he did was wrong. I think it's important for Landon to understand that we have rules for a reason. I want him to know that he can't sit on the dog because it could hurt the dog. I want him to know that he can't tell me "No" when I tell him to do something because it is disrespectful, and God gave him parents to teach him right from wrong so that he will not get hurt.
• We tell Landon if something makes us sad. I do not agree with parents "guilting" their children into obeying. I do not play on Landon's emotions. I do, however, want him to understand that his behavior affects others. I want him to learn empathy. I explain to him that when he kicks me, it hurts me and it makes me sad.
• We tell Landon the right thing to do. I don't want Landon to just hear "no, don't, stop" all the time. I want him to know the correct way to behave. So, we tell him things like, "Don't sit on the dog. That hurts him and makes him sad. You can pet him and sit beside him."
• We use scripture when correcting Landon. The most common one we quote is "Children obey your parents" (Ephesians 6:1) and "Honor your father and mother that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." (Deut. 5:16)
• We have Landon apologize to the one he "sinned against" and pray for forgiveness and help to do better.

As he gets older, he will have to take more of a responsibility in explaining why what he did was wrong and what he could have done differently and who it hurt or could have hurt, etc. For now, we feel that it is our responsibility to teach it to him. I want to close with this verse and a little commentary on it from one of our pastors, Greg Kirksey.

2 Timothy 3:16 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." God's Word is useful for teaching (showing you the way to go), rebuking (letting you know when you've gone the wrong way), correcting (showing you how to get back on track), and training (showing you how to stay on track). Those should be our goals when training and disciplining our children…to show our children the way to go, let them know when they're going the wrong way, show them how to get back on track, and show them how to stay on track.